by Michael Dante Aprile

Ephesians 5:21 says that a marriage made in heaven would be one where a couple is “subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Even some Christian couples might find this to be a statement of ideal. However, closer examination of what is even further required gives us a working guideline for the marriage we all desire. When we follow His principles, or attempt to, God is behind us all the way. He brings a blessing to our marriage and renews it day-by-day.

As we see in various other areas of our life, not everything we do is good for us. Upon closer examination, we find that we are doing things that are actually hindering our progress - especially in our Christian walk. An observant person realizes at least two things are prerequisite to get back on track. First, he realizes that wrong actions need to be corrected. Second, he understands that discipline is demanded to correct them.

Don’t let the word discipline bother you. It actually has the same root as disciple. In both cases, it is merely getting in line with and following a right example that results in a right action. Right action, if practiced with some diligence, will lead to a better life style. In our designed, diligence happens only as a response to some strong inward desire or determination motivated by a reward.

Christ has offered Himself as our strong inward desire. When we truly love Him, we have the proper foundation built to develop desire into worthy actions. This is a result of Christ dying for us. His plan was to send the Holy Spirit to be a part of us; to perfect us in His image. He gave us His example to focus on, just like He provided a golden serpent in the dessert. The reward diligently focusing on Him, as was focusing on the golden serpent, is a promise and a cure.

Being Subject to One Another

While the key is concentration on Christ, it is hard for some people to relate to this concept. The key to concentration, in any case, is to remain mindful of what you are saying and doing, or maybe what you are not saying and doing, at every waking hour of the day. I remember one day, when I was on my way to work. I pulled into a drive through for a fast food breakfast. When I pulled out of the drive through, and onto the road, my mind wandered for what seemed like a split second. The next thing I knew, I was struck broadsided by a car. I was amazed at how a small lack of concentration could nearly cost me everything. It has made me very aware of my need for continuous concentration while driving — after 30+ years of driving. This same idea of continuous concentration applies to our marriage to Christ and to our spouse. Both of these marriages demand continuous and acute attention.

With this in mind, I need only point out some of the more obvious areas, given to us by Scripture, for concentration, and perhaps new discipline, in our marriage.

1. I should remember not to be sharp with my spouse, but to show love instead.

It is so easy for us to vent every feeling we have off on our marriage partner, thinking that they will surely understand. Even when they are doing something wrong, we can determine, in our heart, to treat the offense just as we did when we first met them. It might even help to mentally paint the face of Christ upon their face or to recall to our mind the parable of the unforgiving debtor. It is okay to tell our spouse if something is wrong, but we should purpose to do this in a loving, as we would like it, manner (Colossians 3:19). Scripture addresses this to husbands, however, I believe it is advisable for wives also.

2. I should remove from my relationship with my spouse the following:
- Bitterness
- Bad Temper
- Anger
- Shouting
- Abuse
- Every kind of malice

It is interesting that, in Romans 1:29, these same activities are listed, along with the caveat that “Those who behave like this deserve to die” (Romans 1:31).

These activities are also wrong because it is the work of the Holy Spirit to keep the united body in marriage as one (Ephesians 4:4; 1 Corinthians 12:13). In fact, the Holy Spirit is grieved by anything that harms the unity of the body of Christ (Ephesians 4:30; Isaiah 63:10).

I must replace the former activities with the following:
- Generosity
- Sympathy
- Forgiveness

3. I should give up acting toward my spouse with the following actions:
- Hot temper
- Malice
- Abusive language
- Dirty talk

It is an important part of changing for the better to allow ourselves to be stripped of our old behavior, which we call our “old self” (Colossians 3:10).

4. I should always forgive my spouse, as God always forgives me (Matthew 6:12, 14-15).

5. I must always bear with my spouse and forgive, even if I have a seemingly legitimate complaint about something (Colossians 3:13).

6. I must never act toward my spouse without mercy (James 2:13).

7. I must set no bounds to the love I have for my spouse - as God set none to me (Matthew 5:48).

Leading as Christ Leads

Being a husband, of course, is not always an easy and desirable position. In discussion with several who have been managers over people, they have expressed to me, in private, that it is no picnic. A person put in any position of authority has a large burden. To picture this, think of the lead dog on a snow sled, or the lead ox yoked with a full team. Not only are you the first to confront what the rest of the team must face, but your have to lead when others are pulling against you. And, when it come right down to it, you are the one responsible if anything goes wrong. And, sooner or later, you have to face the one in authority over you.

The Husband has a large responsibility and is called to “save the unified body,” through thick and thin, even to the point of death (as Christ has done) — Ephesians 5:23. It is the husband’s responsibility (out of love) to examine what he is doing for the protection and care of his marriage. This must be something he concentrates on and is aware of, so as not to let it perish.

The wife has the awesome position of submitting, so as to make it possible for the husband to take the lead. In every case, if there is a leader then there should be one who is resigned to being lead. The husband has been commanded to lead and protect. It is not for the wife to judge if the husband’s leadership is being carried out, before she subjects herself to it (Colossians 3:18; 1 Peter 3:1-6). Scripture tells us that the wife is to liken this subjection unto her husband as to her subjection to Christ (Ephesians 5:22).

Loving as Christ Loved

Just by the fact that God inspired in His Word the message for a man to love his wife, and not the other way around, we can see that men have a deficiency when it comes to love or the expression of it (Ephesians 5:25). Love is not a hard thing for a wife (woman). Her struggle is with submission, instead. Love is a difficult thing for a man.

Here are a few disciplines for married couples both to concentrate on:

1. I should love my spouse by actually becoming a sacrifice for her/him (Ephesians 5:2). This demands that we learn to sacrifice or give up our needs to make sure our spouse has what he or she needs.

2. I should work not to become a burden to my spouse (2 Thessalonians 3:8).

3. We should come to realize that the only sacrifice God wants is that of ourselves and that is to be done in Christ (Psalm 40:6).

Mysterious Union in Christ

When my wife and I got married, almost 24 years ago, we decided to marry in a triangle. No, this was not some strange love network thought up in the 1970s. We had just read the Bible enough to realize that when there is a union of marriage between a man and a woman this makes one body. This body, we knew, is best in union with Christ, as if it could be otherwise. Most importantly, we realized that if we were to marry Christ while being married, being Christians, we would be less likely to break the bond, commit adultery, or the like. After all, it is one thing to do things like this to another human being, but it is another to do it to Christ. Later on, we realized that this is exactly the union that occurs when any man and woman unite in marriage (Genesis 2:24; Romans 6:4).

The Bible speaks to the issue of the husband making the wife “holy (Ephesians 5:26) by washing her with cleansing water in the form of words.” This seems almost mystical, yet these words are familiar to the person studied in the Word of God. To start with, no one can make someone holy except God through the cleansing blood of Jesus Christ. This passage in Ephesians adds another element from the same source. I offer that “the cleansing water in the form of words” can only be the Word or Christ (John 1:1,14). We see a picture of the husband bathing his wife in Scripture. Another way to say this is that husbands receive the Word and use it to communicate Christ in them to their wives.

Men who make decisions on their own are prone to error. Men who stay in the Word constantly, and make decisions through it, impart wisdom. Wives want husbands who can impart to them God’s d, the peace and tranquility of Jesus, and the gentle chastisement of the Holy Spirit. This makes it very possible for wives to submit to husbands and instills God’s love in the heart of husbands.

There are some final key concentrations of discipline and understanding required in marriage:

1. I should realize that I could keep my spouse from sexual sin by being a marriage partner to him or her.

In 1 Corinthians 7:9, Paul explained that it would be better that people should marry than to be involved in sex outside of marriage (fornication). It is important that we do all we can in marriage to make sure there is little temptation to do the same while married (adultery).

2. We should serve each other with great care and love for each other, realizing that our bodies have become one and that we are there to tend to each others needs.

There is a beautiful (allegorically) illustration, in Ezekiel 16:6-14, that shows how God (Christ, if you will) takes care of the bride Jerusalem, in such a glorious example of the care that should go on between married couples.

This truly does exemplify a “marriage made in heaven.”